Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
