White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
