So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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