I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Randomize
