I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
