I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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