I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Operation Purity has been aborted
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
