I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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