alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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