I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
