I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
