so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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