I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
