yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
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