god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
