i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
