Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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