I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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