My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize