I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
