i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
