I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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