Umm I'm too high to move.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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