The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
