no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You have to summon your inner elephant
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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