last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
