Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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