Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
