my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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