My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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