So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
