I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
