They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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