Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
