Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
