my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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