Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
