You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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