I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
