no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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