At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
