I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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