Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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