My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
