drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
