you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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