I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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