When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
