I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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