so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize