3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
