Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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