Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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