i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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