dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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