Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
