i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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