fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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