Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize